Talking to My Child About Mental Health
Just as you encourage healthy eating and exercise to care for your child's physical health, talking to kids about their feelings can support their mental health.
If your child has expressed thoughts of suicide or self-harm, be sure to check-in with them often about their safety. Click here to read more about talking to your child about suicide and self-harm.
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For more information on anything on this page, talk to your child's doctor.
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What is a mental health check-in?
A mental health check-in involves asking your child about their mood, what’s going on in their life, and how things are affecting them. You might already be doing this! Mental health check-ins can look like asking your child how their day went or checking in about how they’re feeling after a difficult test or sporting event.
Mental health check-ins are important to...
It can be difficult to open up about mental health. Taking the time to regularly talk about feelings can help normalize conversations about mental health and make it easier to share when struggles come up.
If your child doesn't want to talk, let them know you’re available if they change their mind. If they share something challenging with you, let them know that you’re there to support them and that they can bring it up again if needed.
How do I do a mental health check-in?
There isn’t one right way to check-in with your child about how they're feeling—every relationship is different, and it may take some time and practice to make regular check-ins feel comfortable and figure out what works best for your family. Here are some tips:
Start having these talks early – the earlier the better! By talking about feelings early on with your child it can help make talking about feelings easier. If your child has trouble naming their emotions, you can show them how by using feelings words yourself. You can also show them a list of feelings words or pictures of different emotional expressions they can use to help them describe how they're feeling.
You can check in whenever it works best for you and your child, such as on the way home from school or during dinner.
When asked about how their day went, some kids might respond with one-worded answers like “fine” or “good”. Ask specific, open-ended questions that can't be answered with a one word answer. Try one of these exercises:
"Rose, Bud, and Thorn"
Ask your child what their “rose”, “bud”, and “thorn” of their day/week was.
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Rose: something positive or good
Bud: something they're looking forward to
Thorn: something negative or difficult
"Highs and Lows"
Ask your child for the “high” or a positive from their day, and “low” a negative or difficult part of their day.
Take your child's concerns seriously and give them space to share their feelings and experiences. Try to listen to what they're saying and repeat back to make sure you understand. Try not to judge their feelings or experiences. Avoid phrases such as:
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“You’re overthinking this.”
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“Just let it go.”
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“You need to be more positive.”
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“Don’t be sad.”
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Talking Tips and Relationship Building
Validation and Empathy
Validation and empathy are skills that let others know that you hear them and understand their emotions. Validation means recognizing and accepting their feelings, but does not mean that you agree with how they manage their feelings or their behaviors. Empathy means trying to understand why they feel that way and what they're going through.
This involves focusing on emotions, not solutions. Watch these videos for examples!
Active Listening
Active listening involves listening and reflecting what the other person says back to make sure you understand. It also involves using body language that shows you are listening, such as making eye contact and nodding during the conversation, creating distraction-free time to talk, and asking follow-up questions to keep conversations going.
Positive One-on-One Time
Positive one-on-one time involves spending time alone with your child (without any other siblings) and doing something they enjoy. Try scheduling at least 15 minutes together, just the two of you, 2-3 times a week. During this time, give your child your full attention. The goal is to do this on a regular basis, regardless of their behaviors or anything else that is going on. This can help you improve communication and build a positive relationship with your child.
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How to do positive one-on-one time:
1. Let your child choose the activity and try not to ask many questions so that you can focus on just enjoying time together.
2. Show interest in anything they share with you during the one-on-one time and comment on what you observe about the activity or things you appreciate about them.
For example: "Wow that's a really cool picture you're drawing"
Activities can include things as simple as playing a game, cooking, talking about their favorite TV show, or trying out or observing them do a hobby they enjoy. Your child may not always want to spend time with you—it can be helpful to schedule one-on-one time in advance, so it’s on the schedule. If they still don’t want to spend time with you, try to stay neutral and let them know when you’re free if they change their mind.
Talking About Suicide and Self-Harm
There are several warning signs to look out for that can tell you if your child is struggling with thoughts of hurting themselves.
It can be scary talking to your child about serious topics like suicide or self harm. These conversations are hard, but they are really important to help keep them safe. These thoughts and feelings don't last forever, and the first step to getting your child the support they need is talking about it. Here are some ideas to help have this conversation:
Try to choose a place and time that is comfortable for both of you. This could mean going for a walk or talking in their room. You may want to ask, “Hey, is there a good time we could talk? You’re not in trouble, I just wanted to check-in.”
You may have noticed some changes in how your child is acting or signs that they might be hurting themselves. Checking in about these things can be a good way to get the conversation started. Consider asking, “I’ve noticed you’ve wanted to be alone more lately. I’m worried about you and want to help. How have you been feeling?" Ask open-ended questions, try to avoid sharing your opinions, and focus on listening so that you can get more information on how you can support your child.
Research shows that talking about suicide does not plant the idea of suicide or increase risk. Ask directly and let your child know they matter to you. One conversation could save a life. For example, you can say, "Are you thinking of suicide?" or "Are you thinking of killing yourself?". For younger children who might not understand what "suicide" means, you can ask, "Have you ever thought about hurting your body or doing something to your body so that it would stop working?"
Stay calm and try not to judge. Try to do more listening than talking and ask open-ended questions like, “How long has this been going on?” or “Can you tell me more about how you’ve been feeling?”
Ask if they would like to talk to an adult they trust, like a family member, pediatrician, teacher, or coach. Try asking, "Would it be helpful for me to schedule a doctor's appointment so that you can talk to your doctor about this?"
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You can also suggest they call a crisis line like 988 or text a peer support line like 741-741.
It is important to figure out how to make sure your child is safe and to get them support if they need it. Here are a few follow-up questions to ask:
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"Have you thought about what you might use to hurt yourself?"
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"Have you been thinking about when you might do this?"
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"Are you feeling unsafe right now?"
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If you are concerned about their immediate safety, call 911 or take them to the emergency room and stay with them until they are connected to help.
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Reach out to a doctor, school counselor, or therapist to get additional support as needed. You could say, "Thank you for sharing with me. It can be hard talking about this, and I'm here to support you. Let's figure out a plan together for how we can get you the help you need." Check-in about how you can support your child while waiting to talk to a professional. You can also schedule a virtual or in person appointment with Seattle Children’s Psych Urgent Care, or if you are concerned for their immediate safety go to the nearest emergency room.